In 2018 I've become a mother.
I never quite imagined how motherhood will be. When pregnant I had this recurrent dream / vision of a small child, faceless but extremely beautiful, naked and full of sand running into my arms. That's it, that's all I imagined about motherhood. And then Roman was in my arms and this whole new life has begun.
I love my son more than I could put it in words and everyday is ridiculously more powerful, my love for him. It's quite surreal.
But... there have been and still are some hard moments. The first few months especially, I can barely remember them now. The lack of sleep, the total surrender to another human being, the fear of fucking it up, the hard decisions...
I felt the need to open this safe space where mothers step down from the role of super human and talk about all the hardships, the fake expectations, the guilt... real motherhood insights that will help them feel lighter and maybe, hopefully, will help other women understand that what they're feeling is not something that should make them feel ashamed, insecure or alone.
Postpartum, let's begin there. Those blurry months when day and night had no definition. The sleepless night trying to extract milk every 3 hours although my baby was asleep from exhaustion of trying to breastfeed and not receiving sufficient food. My worries and fears that I am not taking the right decision in trying to breastfeed. The pain... of my nipples, of my body of staying in the same position for hours, of my C-section wound. The visits to the doctor that always finished in me crying for hours because my child wasn't gaining weight, on the other hand I was heavier than ever, I couldn't stand seeing my body, feeling my useless breasts falling all the way to my belly. The loneliness I've chosen to live in, the darkness that I felt would never receive light. The sensation that everybody else had it easier and that I deserved all of it for some reason - I can't remember those reasons but I remember I had so many. It all started to become lighter the moment I came along other mothers who shared their own experience. When I understood there were so many of us. We were told that motherhood was going to be the most soft and bright moment of our lives and in reality we were lower than ever.
I feel that period so far away now. But 2 years into motherhood and I still feel I am looking for myself, Ana beyond the mother of Roman. I still feel I have to juggle around for some self time, career time, oh wait what is that career? What do I want to be? All this is of course compensated by the purest love I have ever felt, I am feeling lost while being more connected than ever to my femininity, I feel less productive than ever while being the most inner creative. Motherhood is rhythmic dance of darkness and brightness. It's the rawest most humane experience I have ever lived.
To be continued ... I guess.
'Al estar dilatando en 8, recuerdo haberme mirado al espejo del baño y recuerdo haber visto mi mirada diferente. Era algo de un felino que empezaba a reconocer, que se integraba en mi. Sentía tanta entrega a ese momento, a ese ser que venía, que estaba bajando dentro de mi ser, que iba a parir pronto y que la verdadera revolución máxima de mi vida apareceria de frente a mi y no había forma de huir... No entendía en ese momento qué tipo de entrega seria por mas que lo leia, lo imaginaba, sabia que seria dificil, ya habia tenido conversaciones con madres. Pero cuando me llego el momento de ver a bebe de frente, lo empecé a reconocer en carne propia: el romperme en mil pedazos, no solo al parir a mi cria, sino al darme cuenta que me era difícil reconocerme en este nuevo escenario. Momentos en los que no encuentro a Isabel en este nuevo papel, que la protagonista es una nueva vida. Pedazos que se partieron y quebraron de Isabel y que algunos se despidieron, otros apenas los miro y algunos de ellos se tratan de pegar e integrar, otros se quedaron perdidos y otros nuevos se estan cociendo que ya no se llaman isabel se llaman bebe//mama. En el que dormir es un lujo, en el que la toma de decisiones que construiran la vida de otro ser es un constante del dia a dia y en el miedo de dar demaciado, en el miedo de no dar... el gran baile de encontrar el equilibrio en eso que quieres proyectarle a este nuevo ser tan puro e indefenso, en el querer actuar y reconocerme.
Mi reto fue el confiar mas en mi y escucharme, el voltearme a ver para dentro y no para afuera que tanto me ha costado, el transformarme y amarme mas que nunca a mi y no buscar eso fuera de mi. Recordarme que soy la casa que habita ese pequeño ser que amo y encontrar nutrientes dentro y crearla dia a dia, para que sea un lindo habitat y reconociendo esa pelea interna. Hay veces que se siente un nudo en la garganta, un cuarto obscuro el cual no puedes salir y la única salida es aceptar el cambio y abrazarlo, la madurez que implica este enfrentamiento contigo mismo...y la despedida de lo que fuiste y la bienvenida de lo que es, el cambio constante... un tren al cual te subiste y no hay parada para bajar ....no hay escape, te lo refleja el espejo mas grande que hay y es la bebe. Y esa mirada felina que aun existe en mi, para recordarme la fuerza que tengo, para mi y para Yooko.'
ENG 'When dilating at 8 cm, I remeber looking at myself in the bathroom mirror and I saw a different gaze. I was some kind of feline that was starting to recognize, that was becoming part of me. I was feeling so much dedication in that moment towards this being that was coming out of me, that I was going to bring earthside in a matter of minutes and that the real revolution of my life was just there, in front of me and I couldn’t run away… I couldn’t quite get what type of dedication it will be, although I read a lot about it or tried to imagine it. I knew it was difficult, I talked about it with other mamas.. But when the moment came and I saw my baby for the first time I started to feel on my own skin how I was breaking into thousands of pieces, not only because I was giving birth, but because it was so difficult to recognize myself in this new scenario, moments when I do not find isabel in this new role, that the main character is not me anymore but this new human. Some of these pieces that broke from myself are gone for good, some I am still searching for and some I slowly begining to find their new space. New pieces of myself have been born and these are not called Isabel anymore, they’re called mama/baby. Sleeping has become a luxury, taking decisions about the life of another being is a constancy of everyday life and with that the fear of giving too much or not giving enough… the great dance of finding balance in what you want to project to this new being that is so pure and helpless.
My challenge was to trust myself more and listen to my inner voice, to look more towards the inside, to transform and love myself more than ever and not to search for this feeling from others. I always have very present that now I am the house of this little human that I charrish so much, to find nutrients inside of me to feed her and offer her a beautiful “home”. I am recognizing this internal fight, that sometimes feels like a lump in the throat, a dark room that you can’t leave and the only exit is accepting this major change and embrace it… the maturity that comes with this self confrontation and the farewell of what you were before to make space and welcome what you have become. It’s a train which you got on and you can’t get down… there’s no escape. It’s like the clearest mirror, your baby and that feline gaze that still lives inside of me so that I shall never forget the power I have, for me and Yooko.'
'The most difficult thing is my postpartum, the mourning for the lost identity, stop working in the outside world to turn deeply into the inside, my whole body, mind and soul living a transformation and without being able to put words to so many emotions, now it's up to us to talk to new moms and name "madness" as part of the transformation process from woman to mother. '
ESP ‘Lo mas difícil es mi postparto, el duelo por la identidad perdida, dejar de trabajar en el mundo de afuera para volcarme profundamente en el de adentro, todo mi cuerpo, mente y alma viviendo una transformación y sin poder poner palabras a tantas emociones, ahora esta en nosotras hablar con las nuevas mamás y nombrar "la locura " como parte del proceso de transformación de mujer a madre.’
'Being a mom is not just the joy of seeing them in the eyes and witnessing their first smile, fatigue makes you look at different things. One feels loneliness more intensely than ever: raising alone is exhausting and frustrating, coupled with not knowing how to ask for help and ruling out in advance who want to / can do so.
One wants to be 100% present, but giving the sacred time to raise is complicated by the accumulated mundane slopes: wash, cook, order.
And finally, I have faced internal patterns that I did not know, and see that they learn everything from me (at least the first years): how to react to stress, the ability to self-care; It is a great and difficult impulse to model in me what I want for them.'
ESP 'Ser mamá no es solo la alegría de verles a los ojos y te regalen su primera sonrisa, el cansancio te hace mirar las cosas distintas. Una siente la soledad mas intensamente que nunca: criar sola es desgastante y frustrante, sumado a no saber pedir ayuda y descartar de antemano que quieran/puedan hacerlo.
Una desea estar presente al 100%, pero darle tiempo a lo sagrado de criar se complica con los pendientes mundanos acumulados: lavar, cocinar, ordenar.
Y por último, me he enfrentado a patrones internos que no conocía, y ver que ellas aprenden todo de mi (al menos los primeros años): la forma de reaccionar ante el estrés, la capacidad de autocuidado; es un gran y dificilícimo impulso a modelar en mi lo que quiero para ellas'
'Well, they never told me that I was going to activate all my shadows, all my hidden traumas and especially my injured girl. Since Samadhi was born, I have not stopped transforming, seeing myself as I am, with everything I don't like about myself. And above all, the incredible desire I have to improve myself, to heal myself, to be a better person, for her, and for me. Samadhi has given me love for myself, never before had I needed myself so much, never before had I wanted to love myself in such an honest and deep way. Being a mother has been the best thing that could happen to me, it has triggered my spiritual and human growth to the fullest. It is not easy to grow at all, but it is super necessary, important and healthy. I can't help but be grateful to her!!! '
ESP 'Bueno pues a mi nunca me dijeron que me iba a activar todas mis sombras, todos mis traumas escondidos y sobretodo a mi niña herida. Desde que nació samadhi no he parado de transformarme, de verme tal cual soy, con todo lo que no me gusta de mi. Y sobretodo sobretodo, las ganas increíbles que tengo de superarme, de sanarme, de ser mejor persona, por ella, y por mi. Samadhi me ha regalado el amor por mi misma, nunca antes me había necesitado tanto a mi, nunca antes había querido amarme de esta forma tan honesta y profunda. Ser mamá ha sido lo mejor que me podía ocurrir, ha detonado mi crecimiento espiritual y humano al máximo. Para nada es fácil crecer, pero es super necesario, importante y sano. No puedo más que estar agradecida con ella!!!'
'Motherhood has been a journey to the depths of my being, where I discovered a shadow of so much pain (transgenerational) and a bright light of opportunity to heal and grow.
It has been absolute loneliness where I have only been left to face my transformation in every way.
It has opened a channel of connection with the universe.
And it has been and will continue to be an adventure to unlearn and learn again with her, my teacher and my partner. ’
ESP ‘La maternidad ha sido un viaje a las profundidades de mi ser, en donde descubrí una sombra de mucho dolor (trasgeneracional) y una luz brillante de oportunidad para sanar y crecer.
Ha sido soledad absoluta en donde no me ha quedado más que enfrentar mi transformación en todo sentido.
Me ha abierto un canal de conexión con el universo.
Y ha sido y seguirá siendo una aventura a desaprender y aprender de nuevo junto a ella, mi maestra y mi compañera.’